Posted by: Kristy | March 25, 2010

Dream with me, will you?

I have decided.

I am going to go back to school.

Not for a master’s degree in journalism. Not for a master’s degree in English composition so I can pass on a passion for words to young, impressionable students. Not even for a bachelor’s degree in underwater basket weaving.

I think I’m going to go for theoretical astrophysics.

After I become the hottest addition to the “Big Bang Theory” crew (sorry, Kaley, you can be second hottest) I am going to create an alternate reality.

That’s right. An alternate reality.

In this new, uncharted territory — let us call it “Kristinland” — there are going to be a few ground rules:

* The only weather allowed will be the type of sunshine and 70-degree weather found on a fleeting and elusive May day. I say fleeting and elusive because right now it feels like these days never will come to Ohio. Never. Neeeevvvveerrrrrr.

Can you hear my groan of anguish?

Occasional summer thunderstorms are permitted to take place at night, but only if complete with lightning and thunder so I can watch them from my massive balcony while drinking giblets of perfectly chilled New Age wine.

* Everyone will take mandatory naps for 1-2 hours every day. No exceptions. You must nap. You also must read a good book while drinking hot, honeyed herbal tea or have stimulating, engaging conversation with another person using voices and personal interaction — no technology — for a minimum of two hours daily.

It’s like a mental recommended daily value. In fact, all books would have nutrition labels that show what percentage of a person’s recommended daily value of knowledge and imagination stretching it provides. Brilliant.

* A daily newspaper will exist that school children are required to read and we all will have streaming news feeds updated throughout the day on Kindles built into various surfaces of our lives. Like the AP wire service on crack. Lovely, streaming news. All day. All written. No broadcast. That means there will be employment for journalists of the print variety.

* Everyone will be happy. All the time. Backstabbing will not exist. Hurt feelings will not exist. Drama will be banished. BANISHED, I say!

* Magic fairies will clean my office every night, organizing the toppling piles of papers that threaten to slice me to bits with paper cuts. Every stressed minion of the corporate world will have a personal Filing Fairy that files and organizes and sorts and all kinds of lovely tasks. While said corporate minion is fulfilling the obligatory napping and reading daily requirement.

* Feelings of overwhelming despair will cease to exist at all. Overwhelming? DIS-pair? What are these things of which you speak?

* Dreams will be indulged and developed. Risks will be taken. Time will slow to a comfortable pace, not zip by laughing in the face of conjured dreams and contemplated risks, leaving a person feeling old and past her prime and unfulfilled.

Too good to be true? You jest. Behold, the best part of Kristinland …

The world will be filled with rainbows and puppies. Leprechauns toting overflowing pots of glistening gold coins will ride unicorns to the far corners of Kristinland, providing beauty and entertainment.

And I will not cry every day and wonder what the hell I am doing with my life.



  1. OH! Take me with you! I want to run away to Kristinland too! pleeeaassseeeeee?

  2. Everyone is welcome in Kristinland. 🙂 As long as you follow the rules and allow joy and happiness and napping to pervade.

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