Posted by: Kristy | March 16, 2009

If my life were a cheesy movie I’d slap myself at this point.

Sometimes, matters of the heart piss me off.

I’m caught in quite the quandary.

I tend to struggle internally with the whole dating scene. The problem stems from my chronic monogamy. I am very loyal, even in my crushes. Josh Rainwater started giving me the flutters in seventh-grade Advanced Math and they finally faded sophomore year of high school. I attended years of hockey games to “support my brother,” which is code for searching desperately for ways to stutter and stammer and stare at Kevin McCarthy.

(Fleeting attraction doesn’t count in this context, by the way, nor do those cases based soely around flirting which clearly are just in good fun for both parties.)

Even once the attraction began to be mutual and I found myself in the often-fun, just-as-often-frustrating world of dating, no one ever made it past the second date until The Ex. Which was just, oh, a decade in the making. And one of the greatest teaching episodes of my life.

And then he became my standard. (“Honestly, Kris, I just don’t know how I made the cut.” Well you did, and now even years later every guy is compared to you except, like, hot British movie stars, and you’re a good standard to have. So deal with it.)

I just never was a girl who dated or even was interested in various men simultaneously. Or, to my knowledge, had them interested in me. I mean, a couple harmless crushes may have woven in and out of each other’s time frames. But for the most part it went like this: Go on a date. Take a break. Then another. Take a break. Then again. That one didn’t work out. I totally channel my inner Charlotte (because we all know when it comes to men I’m not a Samantha, or even a Carrie).

Until, suddenly, this fall and my return to the exclusive Single Ladies Club brought them out of the woodwork in droves. I say this not to brag. I say it out of incredulous disbelief.

I’m interesting? And pretty? Sexy, even? And worth teasing and flirting with ALL DAY at work? And you want to get to know me? And spend time with me? And not screw me over? Amazing.

So I tried dinner. Drinks. Dinner again. Told myself to take the advice of those who love me and the advice I gave myself and relax, have fun, enjoy getting to know new people. (As well as enjoy the companionship of existing friendships, since I am way blessed with solid, high-quality men who provide awesome friendships.)

I go into each new potential (not that there have been all THAT many) with an open mind. With hope. And it is fun getting to know other people. I have made some really great friends.

But that’s all they are. And I’m not sure how to kindly convey the fact that that’s all they are. I try. And I’m a wordsmith for a living. But somehow I get the feeling I don’t do a good job in this department.

This weekend I went out for an early St. Patty’s Day with a girlfriend and her man. She was so cute earlier this week: “Logan has a friend he wants you to meet.” Awww, they love me. So we all go out, a group of us so it wasn’t really a date. And it was fun. It was really, really fun. Until the friend drops the inevitable, “Maybe you should give me your number and we can do something sometime.”

Snap. He’s sweet. And nice and fairly cute. So how do I say, “Hey, I had fun tonight but I’m not really looking for anything right now. I texted my ex earlier tonight because even before I met you I really keep thinking about how much I want him here. It’s this habit I have that kind of invades my life a LOT on a daily basis. So, I can give you my number but if you call it might end up being a waste of time in the long run. Sorry!” How do I say that and NOT look like a bitch?

The answer is that I can’t.

I thought I was good with words. I might be wrong. See, I get this whole internal guilt complex when it comes to all of this. Because I’m at the point where unless it’s Robert Pattinson or Hugh Dancy calling (hehe), what my heart wants to hear is a very familiar voice. That’s been missing. For more than a year and a half.

There, I’m admitting it. You can all start judging me for being pathetic and he can read this and never talk to me again. (See, we had a deal where we couldn’t be friends until we were over each other. So I’ve been fudging a little, because I’d rather pretend to be 100 percent fine and be friends than keep feeling as if something was completely left undone with raw edges.) I can handle it.

And until that desire fades completely, I just feel really badly when it comes to other men. Because I really do give them a chance. I do, I do, I do. The last thing I want to do is lead someone on.

But there’s still that fact that there is someone who maintains the status of “the standard.” Even if he doesn’t realize it. Or understand why that is. Doesn’t change the truth. (Ha, for real, who saw THIS coming back in 10th grade? Not this girl.)

So now what do I do? The floor is open to suggestions. (And I’m already working on the “getting over it” suggestion, so that is officially rendered invalid.)

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Responses

  1. Give him your number. Have fun. Enjoy a few dates. If it isn’t a glass slipper move on. But learn to enjoy even if you don’t believe you can. You will not want another person in your life until that person exceeds the last. You cannot find the exceptional with out trying out the mediocre …

    my two cents 🙂


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