Posted by: Kristy | December 6, 2008

Scaling back fear

Today I saw victory.

It may seem like a minor thing, to some, but to me it is one of the biggest deals in nearly a decade.

I stepped on a scale and for the first time in eight years I looked at the numbers.

Normally at the doctor’s office and such I look away from the scale and ask the nurse or physician please not to tell me the number. My mom got worried recently after a large seemingly stress-induced weight loss and made me weigh myself and I wouldn’t look — just made her look to see if she was satisfied that, yes, indeed, I am not melting into nothing. I know what those numbers do to me. I am in a good place mentally and I prefer to stay there, thank you very much.

When I was moving into the dorm my sophomore year of college I threw out my scale — that torture device that had held me emotionally and psychologically captive since I started my battle with food and my perception of it and myself when I was 17 — and haven’t owned nor acknowledged one since. I’ve been too busy keeping my fingers out of my throat and learning to enjoy eating again.

Well, after two and a half years of feeling and acting like a real person when it comes to food, and feeling really good about myself for the first long stretch since I was about 13 or 14, today at the gym I decided it was time. I could look at a scale and not care about the numbers.

Just shrug it off no matter what it says, I told myself before I stepped up. It’s just a number. You are healthy. You are cute. You feel good, damn it. Just look.

And I looked. And I smiled because I was surprised. And for the first time in eight years, I looked at a scale with me standing on it and I didn’t cry. I didn’t want to eat something so I could throw it up. I didn’t start a bout of obsessing that will last into next week. I smiled and headed to the locker room to grab my coat and come home. To make lunch and clean my apartment and then get ready to go out for a drink with my friends tonight.

Victory, people!

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Responses

  1. The scale strikes fear in eveyone’s hearts lol. I’m trying to get back in shape, but I look at the scale for that extra motivation.

    Oh yea, please help my friends resovle an arguement at:

    http://thetossup.wordpress.com/

    I’d appreciate it.

  2. That is an awesome post. Thanks so much for sharing. I threw my scales about six weeks ago, but now spend most of my time arguing with the doctor that I won’t get weighed at their office. Anyway, I live for the day I can step on some scales and smile.

    Thanks for sharing the moment, and congratulations.

    Lola x

  3. YEAH! That is a victory! Go you! And you aren’t cute, btw, you’re GORGEOUS!


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